(Opp, Alabama) Gigantic fans have been installed around the sleepy moss-ladden town of Opp, Alabama; in an effort for their citizens to avoid allergies this season.
Opp, or Bumpintheroad, as many people would describe it---is in fact a tranquil drive-thru for most on their way to Florida vacations.
One woman with enough hair for three people said " Since the town lies directly in the path of ...everything that blows down to L.A.(local speak for Lower Alabama), we are getting illnesses, and so we have decided to by-pass the crap for 2011."
In fact, Bypass The Crap seems to be written on everything from bumper stickers to residential window plaques in this little touch of humid middle class heaven.
The mayor, a man who claims to own a John Deere but was driving a Golf Cart, said "...we just decided it was either We Do Something---or it was Sinus Snottville, plus whatever radioactive wind Atlanta had planned to blow our way this Season."
Most people supporting the protest (actually supporting anything that is more interesting than paint drying) gathered in a park at the city center, which consists of several Federalist Era buildings and a Wendy's, abuzz with people looking for change.
"Mother Nature Isn't Kind" read one protest sign, held by a guy holding a dozen eggs.
"Pollen is Good for Nature" read another, held by a Opp High School science teacher; who was quickly egged by the first guy.
"We got our Young 'ens out school for Sprang Brak" (SIC-spelling and poor grammar is correct) said some toothless Einstein hanging-out at the park. "...and thez is put-up fans all-over town to blow-away and monitor t'is dang Pollen." (TRANSLATION: "...Our kids are out of school and they are helping us.")
In fact a core of more than 1100 Opp students and parents were gathered to assure no breaks would occur in the Opp City Fan Project.
At the Opp Rexall Drug store, where Marcus Welby would probably cruise, a woman with a comb stuck in her hair handed-out protective face masks and coupons reducing the price of wind breakers and kites.
The elderly were not amused at the idea of fans keeping disease away. "Them fans is strong," said an old blue-haired woman, who was having to walk around with a heavy wrench in her purse to avoid being blown into the next town like Piglet. "I'm too old to fly," she whimpered.
Local Sheriffs were happy to announce "...we got fans blowing Highways 9, 12 and 84...west by southwest towards Babbie and Horn Hill."
In fact when interviewed, citizens in Babbie, Alabama seemed all pissy and yellow-eyed from the Pollen Wind.
"If we could get past that blasted fan we would kick their asses," said one Horn Hill Resident. "...them Opp-ites are a slippery folk."
Another Babbie-ite said "...they got some nerve cutting wind on us, we're a good group of Time Watchers and Ostrich Farmers."
Since the experiment only one Opp resident has come-down with The Common Cold, and that person is now on a FREE one-way Greyhound bus ticket to Chicago, thanks to a group of kind Oppites.
"We don't want you stuffy, sneezing, aching sinus sufferers here," said one nameless man who got into an orange Vega. "In fact, you reporters get offa m' property."
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