HUGE HAND REACHES DOWN FROM SKY- TAKES OPRAH

Obviously there is life on other planets, as a huge, spaceship-shaped hand reached down from the sky over Chicago yesterday, taking only talk show super hostess and new "O" (Harpo Productions) television network CEO Oprah Winfrey.

"She's done so much good here, she was needed elsewhere," said one of her many fans left stricken when Oprah was suddenly bounced-off the studio's thrift store couch into the spaceship like some Tom Cruise kickball. 

Some fans waved goodbye, and thought it was all part of the show's taping.  "She could ride off in a chariot and I would clap," said one plate-eyed woman who witnessed the supposed abduction.

"Who's Oprah Winfrey?" said some wandering street idiot.

One passing scientist/guy smart enough to be buying a women's feminine product at a drug store said "  If she was taken to a nearby galaxy, it was CANIS MAJOR---a small, irregular galaxy with a mass of about a billion solar masses, the Canis Major dwarf galaxy is one of our closest neighbours, lying approximately 25,000 light years from the Sun."

There is a large sect of people in America who believe Oprah was taken as a Goodwill Ambassador and is probably in Canis Major now on a planet similar to Earth. 

"She's got her own show in the works, I'm sure."   Another said she'd return one day with a cure for The Common Cold and outlaw television reruns of All In the Family and The Jeffersons..

A CELL PHONE IS RINGING IN MY MIND

Everytime I try and use a touch screen on a cell phone, it dies. 

I'm beginning to think I am the Green Lantern, and that I've picked-up some digital denigration program because the things just don't respond to me. 

"'Ya hitting too many buttons at once, Son," Colonel I. Phone would say?

Oh my fingers are small enough...makes me wonder how the giant Gulliver people living in Holland can adjust to them overnight like it was no thing.

What if the whole world was a touch screen (and come to think about it---isn't it) where the GO BACK button was just below the cursor and no many how many times rubbed, you were lost to move that screen?

That's my fear.

We'll no longer be able to be in a situation where we can blame the machine. 

I'm not speaking about parking meter machines, either. Future machines like these cell phones will be critical in our decision making---maybe even in our ability to make a decision---which is ridiculous but expected to a degree. 

Logical thinking eventually gives-way to that of the machine...thereby influencing the User to rely on the machine implicitly---even for logical daily decisions. 

By the way, I added a photo of my new cell---the Damn I Sure Am Broke Phone: It only weighs 5 pounds and I can re-charge it in my Mazda. 

1-Legged Drunkass Man 'Tossed in Space'

 Note to Intoxicated Patrons on Knowing When to Leave Bar:

When someone bigger than you in a muscle-tee reminds "...the good ole Fight Club days are over." AND you still refuse to hold the drink in your hand, ---choosing instead to throw drink at the Bar Owner---expect a forceful walk out the door. 

Refuse to Leave Afterwards: ...get kicked-out the door by muscle-tee guy.

One old drunk VS (changes with friendly bar staff): i.e.,Terry the Closing Bartender with the Fuck You Fist to the Face---Goodbye Punch.  

We Wanted to Call You a Taxi But You Wouldn't Let Us: Not liable...See previous asskick.  

(( Photo insert:  Unimpressive charcoal drawing by passing Courtroom Sketch Artist / Charcoal Salesman who witnessed bar fight Saturday except that Moon-Bound Loser Drunk was one-legged.))